2019 word of the year; FAILURE

Woah, 2019, you were okay there for a second and then, like, yikes.  I normally choose a word at the beginning of the year to focus my efforts on.  This year I didn't and welp, jokes on me.  This year I've failed more and harder than literally any other time in my life.  I'm not exaggerating and I wish I was.

I failed as a mother

I failed as a wife

I failed my health

I failed as a teacher

I failed as a student

and probably also failed as an artist but

at least I didn't stop.

Not once did I quit any of the items listed above, I pushed through each and every one of them to my own stubbornness.

As a mom I yelled, more than I want to admit, I got frustrated, I got angry, I threw away toys, I broke thing I was trying to fix, I neglected special events and occasions because I wanted to accomplish more. I missed school functions because I took on more teaching hours this year.

I failed as a wife after convincing my husband to go back to school, I got caught up in my commitments and neglected our home.  I didn't have time to sweep or mop or do dishes, sometimes I cooked but usually I cheated with frozen foods, still organic, usually.  I was to tired to stay up late with my partner, I was focused on my goals and my future and disappointed him too.

In august, I found out I wasn't crazy, and my health was failing, I found a doctor who ran the right tests and got the results that we could see and treat. I worked myself into sickness in the spring and tried to recover all summer but couldn't do it alone. I'm still recovering but learning I can't push myself like I used to, I am a powerful being, but sharing my power with those who don't appreciate it depletes it instead of recharging it.

I was really excited for my new teaching hours this year, full time, one place, but turns out that was too much, too.  After trying my best to stay energetic and inspirational for the first few months, I slowly slipped into exhaustion once again, kids who were disappointed in me or my projects, kids who didn't want to put forth effort, it just made showing up harder and harder.  This past week culminated in some really icky feelings about the whole thing, hurtful comments from 'concerned' parents. It just felt like no matter what I did for anyone, it wasn't enough.  I wasn't enough.

We've been in financial survival mode for the past couple years since Husband's family's business went under, and I finally felt like we were in recovery mode and I could start working down the debt we owe.  But alas, with the stress of financial burden hovering over me, I had the constant feeling I needed to do more and over extended myself with each yes.  It cost me my credibility, my creativity, my life force just slowly started slipping away, not to mention the bureaucracy of academic settings.

Speaking of academic settings, I tried to take a class online for a class I knew I should take in person.  I read the reviews for the professor (F) and chose to take the class anyway.  Because it was the only one that fit my over packed schedule.  I read chapter after chapter, slide after slide and still did terrible test after test.  The professor didn't post one lecture with her speaking, only slides, no assigned problems to practice, just the few samples in the books or a handout with one or two sample questions with answer keys with no work, then completely different ones on the tests. I thought about dropping but really wanted to be optimistic.  So, I kept going, some content stuck some didn't and I ended up missing the final to pick up my sick kid from school.  Ended with a W which isn't the worst thing but still feels like a fail.

As an artist, my work now feels trite and overdone.  Nothing I make feels original.  Everything I make I feels like something I've seen before.  I lost my source of inspiration.  I don't have 50k followers to eat up every piece of trash I produce.  I stopped doing artist markets because I was sick of the consumerism of material items.  I stopped painting for myself because I couldn't find time.  I stopped gardening.  I stopped baking.  I stopped hiking.  I stopped camping.  I lost all of myself to making more and doing more and working more for money to pay back to people who don't care about me, my health or my family.

I don't know what the point of all this rambling is,  I probably shouldn't share it, it's so personal but in failure is release.  It's liberating.  It connects you with your support system, you see the value in yourself reflected back from the people cheering you on.  And those people know who they are. You gain wisdom from those who share your energy.  My friend recently told me, "you know this already, but this feeling happens when there's growth, it always feels like this when you're growing.  You're going to be so powerful when this is over.  This is happening so you can be more powerful."

to which I replied, "but I don't want to." the same thoughts I had in labor, the same thoughts I had after my first big heart break, the same thoughts I had when I had to quit a job that was killing me, I've never been good at breaking up.

and of course she laughed and responded, "But you to.  YOU HAVE TO BE MORE POWERFUL."

I know it's not a choice anymore, I know these lessons have been hard, like the hardest, and the anxiety isn't helping, but at least I can reflect.  I can restart.  I can keep going.  I can see so clearly now what needs to change.  I don't need to prove myself to anyone.  I'm going to keep making art.  I'm going to keep teaching those who want to learn.  I'm going to keep being the best mom I can be.  I'm going to see what opportunities are waiting for me in 2020 and I'm going to step into my power.

I don't have a choice.

My Current Thoughts on Teacher Strikes and Walk Outs in Arizona

If you're not from Phoenix or Arizona you might not have heard about the unraveling of our education system.  In the past weeks and months there has been an extensive effort to increase education funding to our public schools.  Teachers are advocating for a 20% raise and funds to be prioritized for support staff and classroom management such as textbooks, desks, chairs, and overall needs of our students. 

While there was some talk to offer teachers a 20% raise by 2020 it was a lot of empty promises most of which hinged on the election of the governor who may or may not even be in office to uphold his end of the deal, not to mention the fact that the offer allocated 0 funds towards administration, janitors, or other school employees nor money to put towards the classroom situation and from the sounds of it much of the funds would actually have to come from services offered to students with special needs.

I've heard the comments that teachers chose this.  I chose to be a teacher, yes.  But I made that choice and I got my degree in 2008, since then budgets have been cut 1 billion dollars from education. Which to be honest is a huge reason I don't teach full time, I do still teach part time at a private school, but I've been able to structure a schedule which allows me to maximize my time value and make a livable wage for myself and family.  And at the moment, I'm the primary provider for our family's income, meaning if I wanted to go back to teaching I would increase my hourly weekly commitment but loose about 30k a year. TO WORK MORE!  But I love art teaching so much it was almost worth that loss for me to go back full time, until my Husband's family business closed and he opted to go back to school for Nursing (which is a post for another time).  The point is I did choose to teach but I didn't choose to be living at the or below the poverty line with two small children. 

The education system is failing our children, I'm highly qualified, hold a teaching certificate, continue my education on my skills and would love to go back for a master's program yet I can't "afford" to teach in a public school anymore, or rather they can't afford me.  Think about how many well educated teachers they've lost because those teachers deserve competitive pay, have families to provide for and mortgages to pay.  I know and love each of the teachers my daughter has had over the past 2 years of her public education, but I know there are many students struggling with under qualified teachers and underpaid support staff.  Everyone in Arizona deserves better.

Starting today, many districts are closed in anticipation of teacher walk outs.  And they will continue to be closed until the demands have been met, this means many students will be asked to make up missed days into our hot summer, and I STILL SUPPORT THE TEACHERS.  Because they asked nicely, they've begged, they've pleased and the government here is still failing them, now they're actually threatening to sue teachers.  SUE THEM for protesting these cuts and degrading pay.  There are elected officials refusing to address this issue, ie not doing their job, yet they want to bully and threaten teachers. 

I have lots more to say and maybe I'll update this post but for now I just wanted to get some thoughts on 'paper' so to speak.  What are your thoughts? How is this affecting you and your family? Have you called the governor or signed any petitions?

My Current Thoughts on Student Walk Outs Regarding Gun control

With all the current chaos of our world I felt compelled to share my views on the current Student Walk Outs regarding gun control.  I want to start of by sharing a few pieces of information some of you might already know about me, 1. I'm a teacher. 2. I'm a gun owner. 3. I live in Arizona where people can carry concealed weapons without a permit- although I do have my CCW permit which means I've taken a class and shot a decent range, once. So now you know or presume to know my stance on gun control or maybe arming teachers, allow me to expand your mind.

No, I do not want to carry a gun in my classroom.
No, I do not feel comfortable with the current process of purchasing a firearm or other deadly weapon.
No, I do not think mental health resources are effective enough.

Yes, I support students 'walking out on their education' to prove a point, or create a dialog.

I think many people might have already gotten lost with the duality of my views but if you continue reading I promise I will clear up a few things.

1. walking out doesn't do anything. false. walking out creates a dialog, people talk about the issue, many people get stuck on the walk out itself but those enlightened enough to listen instead of taking offense to these ditching kids, will understand, without the right to vote, they can't change anything legally, all they can do now is take action.  action freaks people out, it makes them uncomfortable, frustrated, confused.
2. Education is more than books in a classroom with a teacher real life experiences form education. Students aren’t missing their education during these walk outs. They’re not ditching for weeks at a time. It’s one class one day. Do you have any idea how many assemblies or field trips or student council scheduling conflicts disrupt scheduled teaching time each week. This isn’t even on my radar for inconveniences.
3. I keep thinking back to how you mention walking out during your job and I finally realized the reason it bothered me. You might not think you need to walk out but that’s because someone did it for you. The entire labor union movement gifting you a 40 hour work week, minimum wage and LABOR DAY we’re all because employees (members of a unit on) walked OUT on strike during work hours.

I think people saying walk outs ‘don’t accomplish anything’ are the ones benefiting from walk outs of the past and should sit in on their kids history classes.

Maybe if we think how we would feel if our children were murdered in school. We gain compassion for their peers speaking out.

My students actually did not walk out. It’s a small private school. But if they protested something they were passionate about I would support that. Regardless of weather or not I agreed with it.  I would probably take the time to explain their other options or break down their concerns and help encourage education on such topics for instance I really don’t think gun control is the issue. But I do think we need to step back and assess gun culture so this starts that dialog.

And as far as work. I work 4 part time jobs. I am not offered health insurance or holidays off at any because there is not one full time job. There’s loopholes. But if you’re one full time job has you work over 40 then you overtime.

I don’t know I just think we need to be supporting and educating our youth not questioning their actions. They’re hurt. Frustrated. Scared. We need to offer unconditional love and support

Pero La Luna es mi Amor

Kauai | December 2014

This last Super Moon (October 16, 2016) really worked me over, you guys. The night before it, I was sick all night from stress guilt frustration but in a physical sense which only compounded the stress I was feeling for the next work day. An 18 hour work day, a work day I had over committed to. That's a thing for me, over committing, and wanting to experience it all. 

I know I do this to myself and I even schedule rest days into my calendar,  Because, I will literally fill every waking moment with a project, job or commitment. I don't know why.  I like to stay busy. I like to think I'm living life to the fullest, but can you really do that without a chance to rest and breathe and reflect on the lessons and journey?  I'm starting to believe not.  

Anyway. I called in sick to the first job. There was absolutely no way I could function on literally no sleep. It sucked to miss out on commitments and deadlines, and I felt like I was letting everyone down. but I needed to rest. So I did. I finally started listening to my body. And acknowledging I was toxifying my body with unrealistic expectations and harmful thoughts. I had been creating my own toxic work environment and putting up with toxic people to keep the momentum going. This whole getting sick all night was a physical cleanse to match my emotional one. It was exactly what I needed, my body to scream at me, the only way it knows how. and it was definitely repeating; Stop. Reflect. Change. 

A little background for this new found awareness might have come from this article a friend posted on facebook. Normally, I don't get too into astrology and it's meanings but sometimes the universe delivers messages in hidden and unexpected ways and it doesn't really matter how we get the message as long as it reaches us.  

It was full of advice like "It’s an opportunity to move onward and up in our lives. Many of us will come across exciting new opportunities which weren’t even possible, let alone available to us, before the shift. Now that Mercury has been out of retrograde for just under a month, everything should have fallen back into its normal place by now. If there’s anything that’s still out of whack, fix it asap so you can continue moving forward with nothing holding you back"

hmmm.  Could this be any clearer? I had no less than 3 job offers presented to me the week before the full moon, one for a part time position painting and teaching painting lessons, another odd job for henna and another opportunity to grow my food blog, I had to turn them ALL down because of my "real" job.  I knew I couldn't take on any more, and I felt like I couldn't quit my full time job, so I had to turn down exciting opportunities I definitely didn't think would be possible or available to me when I took my full time job.  Not to mention the fact that any more commitments would take away from family time, and I didn't want to be away from my kids or husband more than I already was.  And that's when the last line screamed at me, fix this asap so you can move forward without anything holding you back!  I listened. 

and it also spoke clearly about being free from harmful relationships, "Break free of toxic people in your life. The relationships that are hurting you or holding you back need to be re-assessed. If you find that someone is not worth the time, effort, and stress, cut the cord and distance yourself from them. Stop letting people walk all over you and instead of following bad examples, be a leader and set good ones!"

If you find that someone is not worth the time, effort, and stress, cut yourself off from them, it was the permission I needed, to let go of somethings and someones.  It was a reminder to continue with the distance I've placed in the past, no matter how tempting it might be to return to a 'normal' comfortable place of bad energy.

Has the moon ever been so closely connected to your life's journey?  Have you ever felt the universe pull you in one direction or another? How do you manage stress and change?

I'll be honest, it wasn't pretty. It was actually really awful and through it, I created more anxiety for myself, knowing I'd have to have difficult conversations with all parties involved but it was liberating stress to know I would be able to function again at my own capacity without running myself sick and abandoning my husband and children.  I resolved my issues and had the conversations.  I trusted in my own creativity to help support my family financially, I know that going back to a modified schedule with more creative hours in a day will be best for my mental health and for my family's.  This is the time we have together to travel, create and experience, I'm not going to waste it stressed and overwhelmed.  I'm going to live my life and enjoy my family and friends.  

Thoughts on Forgivness

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. 

I'm not sure why, but I often will replay past mistakes over and over until I literally make myself sick from guilt.  How could I be so stupid?  How could I forget?  How could I make a mistake?!

Hello.  I'm human.  No one is perfect and while there are lots of things I'm good at, there are equally just as many I'm not.  And I think I make an effort to be respectful and cautious and careful.  but still mistakes happen.  Sometimes they can be prevented and I find lists help me to be less forgetful.  When I have a thought I write it down. I've trained myself to operate within my own self induced chaos yet, on occasion I fail.

All this negative self talk has me reflecting; What is the point of holding on to all the frustration judgement and hurt against ourselves?! Of course part of those emotions are built in to remind us of our mistake to not let it happen again, I'm sure, but does the actual obsession of a mistake really benefit us when so extreme and overthought?

Would a better lesson for ourselves and body be to forgive (but not forget)?

What lesson can I learn from this?

I've been trying to forgive myself for a on-the-grand-scheme-of-things a small mistake (but one that felt big in the moment) and so I breathe and think "even though I make mistakes, I love myself unconditionally" and  "even though I make mistakes, I forgive myself unconditionally"

It's not something that fixes itself right away, but it's necessary and I think I'm making progress, s l o w l y.  How do you move past a mistake or regret?  How do you allow yourself to heal?  How do you forgive yourself?

Why 30 is NOT the new 20 and other reasons I'm proud of each year I add to my age.

As I approach my 30th birthday, I realize how different it is from my twenties. I mean, I can't possibly know, as I haven't been there yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm leaving behind some things that belong in my twenties.  I know people often convince themselves that as they get older they're really just staying hip and young forever.  But I think something more special is happening here.  I don't want to discredit my thirties by saying I'm starting my new twenties.

During my twenties I accomplished a lot and made a few mistakes.  Let's revisit my twenties so I can share all the ways I'm hoping my thirties are NOT like my twenties.  To start, in my twenties I moved away from home for the first time, to a new city with a boy I was seriously in love with.  Our relationship still had aspects of being new.  We'd never lived together.  We weren't married.  We didn't have kids. No real responsibilities, just a couple of part time jobs. And while I'm always down for a new adventure or even the possibility of moving to a new place, I definitely don't want to start over completely like that in my thirties, I know lots of my friends who aren't married and who have the freedom to date, and while they're happy, there are also a lot of challenges in dating.  It takes a lot of effort to connect with another human being and be vulnerable, I don't want to have to do that again.  I'm grateful I'm not in that stage of my life anymore.

In my twenties I was in college.  Not that I would mind school again, but I'm grateful I wouldn't have to start at the bottom. I love that I have enough education and experience I could start a masters program if I wanted to.  I couldn't have afforded to do that in my twenties, nor would I have wanted to manage a new career and going back to school.

In my twenties I got married.  After I graduated, I got married.  Young.  And it wasn't a bad decision but I'm not sure if I'll ever know if it was a necessary decision.  My husband and I are very much in love, but it was sort of the same for us being married as it was before we were married.  People kept asking how different it felt to be married and to be honest it didn't.  While I'd love to renew our vows in a private ceremony, I have no desire to get married {the whole big thing} again.  My views on marriage have changed a lot since actually being married.  But this knowledge of marriage isn't something I had in my twenties, now as I enter my thirties, I'm even more aware of the experience I'm gaining in my partnership and proud of the life we've build thus far together.

In my twenties I became a mother.  I loved that sacred experience of growing a human life, nourishing something with my body and rocking my au natural home birth.  But dude, I do not for any practical purposes want to be pregnant again.  My kids are finally out of diapers and done potty training!  And we're on to planning even more adventures! Plus, they can actually do fun stuff, gymnastics, dance and sports and soon they'll be starting school. While I've gone back and forth on putting them into a classroom, I know it will be good for me to have a little more creative freedom.  For me, not redoing the new mom thing is another reason I'm hoping my thirties aren't like my twenties.

Besides the obvious above lifetime milestones I've accomplished, I've also started a business, started painting, stopped and then started painting again, paid off my first car {before someone hit me and totaled it}, bought a house {learned some legal lessons there too}, spent more money than I had, paid most of it back, and been to 11 countries and counting, and a bunch more little tasks everyday.  I don't want to think of my thirties as the new twenties, I don't want to relive past experience or pretend being younger is better than getting older.

I've worked really hard to be where I am.  I've found a partner who works really hard so we can be where we are.  I've got two amazing daughters who make me laugh everyday, and also challenge me to be a better person, and I couldn't have had all those things in my twenties.  In my twenties, I was planting seeds.  Now, as I approach my thirties I'm starting to see the fruits of my labor, and they're almost ripe.  I'm excited to see what I'll accomplish in my thirties.  I'm excited to see what I'll learn.  I'm excited to explore more places.  I'm excited to use more of my creative energy to build my brand, to create my life's work.  I'm excited for the next decade and I'm proud of the years I've survived, and endured, I'm proud of my accomplishments.  

I'm proud of each year I add to my age.

Signing event with New Found Glory {the difference between being starstruck at 16 and 28}

Yesterday, I convinced my sister and best friend from high school to join me for a signing and acoustic set with New Found Glory at Zia.  I mean, they're like my favorite band probably ever, and I wouldn't say they've done anything that makes them the best band of all time, it's just this strong connection to their music and my adolescence.  In middle school and high school I was into Blink-182 and naturally with NFG as an up an coming band touring with them I was so excited to attend their concerts with my then boyfriend.  In high school, going to all the Warped Tours in the Summer {in PHOENIX} outdoor concerts took some dedication, not only from the bands but the fans too.  I remember that ex-boyfriend telling me he was chatting with someone near the stage about whatever it was, and then the guy being like, "oh we're up!" and jumping on stage.  I was so jealous and disappointed I wanted to meet them, talk with them, it's weird to have someone make such a huge impact on your life and they have no idea who you are.  So, for the next few years attending concerts with my now Husband {or sister}, I'd be like let's get there early, just for fun.  He couldn't care less.

Then, in college, I had friends who were involved in publicity and marketing at the Marquee, I got into shows free all the time by just handing out flyers.  At one NFG show I was working, they walked in as I was handing out flyers and as I almost accidentally handed them one out of habit, not realizing who was now walking in; my friend Jessica, was like, "What you're too good for flyers? You don't want to catch a show in Phoenix? here. here." It was totally one of those, please stop mom you're embarrassing me moments, but none the less I was still excited to have talked with them.

So, when I saw they were coming to Phoenix, I was like, Cameron, we have to do this, for our 16 year old selves.  Of course she was down to party, even after being only 5 weeks postpartum. In fact, we even joked about asking them to sign her baby {because could you even imagine?}.  ANYWAY, I came to the conclusion, while in line, waiting for those desperately desired signatures, it's funny how we change as we mature.

Like the 16 year old Jenn was screaming inside, "Oh my god, I'm talking to Chad Gilbert and Jordan Pundik!" while the mom in me was like, "Tour must be exhausting, you guys want me to bake you some cookies?"  Either way, I'm stoked we went! Unfortunately, sneaking out without the kids to go to a concert isn't really an option right now, even though my {sister's and my} friend Tressa did invite me to go with her to the concert, knowing she's be hanging out with them after.  Younger Jenn is pissed at me for making the decision to stay home, read bedtime stories to my kids and nurse my youngest to sleep, but modern me knows this window of being a mom to small humans only lasts for so long and I don't want to miss out on bedtimes just yet.  There is plenty of time for me to relive my youth, but for now I'll settle for signed water bottles and new CDs; {Resurrection available for order October 7}.

Thanks Chad for the Album Cover Replicas.