Mindful Meditation and Reflections

I used to blog almost daily, little thoughts and prompts I thought people would care about, but somewhere along the past 5 years I got busy.  That really icky busy, where we are so focused as mothers and wives and employees we don't really slow down enough for ourselves or our mental health.  I found myself frustrated at my children, obsessive over our debt (still a big mess for me to clean up later) and underappreciated by my partner (thankfully now addressing this issue in therapy ) and just overall letting my life fall apart while barely keeping my shit together.  

So, why am I posting this on the internet for everyone to read?  I don't really know, but I think maybe in my current expansion process I'm realizing I need to document this chaos for later, when I finally do get it all together, or maybe for someone who feels exactly the same way wondering how they can keep going.  I don't know maybe for my high school haters to find as fuel to their fire and know that I'm actually still a hot mess and maybe always will be.  regardless, I find reflection, free writing, intuitive drawing brings me peace.  So, here I am sharing.

I might have mentioned this before, but I recently started doing yoga again. I've always done the free lululemon yoga at the Biltmore, but when Husband started going back to school I knew I was going to have to supplement more income and that a weekend serving or barista position was going to be my best bet.  So, I sacrificed my Sunday mornings for the hustle, did I mention I've been busy?

Anyway, back to the yoga, since starting at a nearby yoga studio cleaning weekly for free classes, I've been taking 2-3 classes a week and filling my at home workouts with buti yoga, thanks to my tribe of oil loving ladies and awesome friend Michelle for bringing it back into my life.  I feel so great moving my body that I actually can go a full hour without the anxiety of real life setting in, those sweet releases from life and physical stress are found in movement and meditation. 

That's the point of yoga after all the breath and union of connecting with others in a sacred space.  Letting go of all the things that control us and just distracting our bodies enough that we can actually trick our brain into forgetting about the ego and allowing us to simply be.  It's a pretty powerful place to be and I'm grateful I've found a place there, in my own power. 

I'm going to make daily reflection part of my meditation process and hope to continue sharing more about growth and daily life here, hopefully a few of you will stick around to share it with, but either way, I'm happy to still have this space to write and reflect it's been an interesting process to see it transform and change with me over the past 8 years.

More in Two Thousand Sixteen.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want.  The things I want to get better at.  The things I want to experience.  The places I want to see.  The type of mother I want to be.  The type of partner I want to be.  The life I want to live.  So, as 2015 comes to a close, and I start thinking about these things, I've decided to write them down. Make a list. Have a vision.  Manifest all those goals.

One of the things I think about wanting most from life, is Travel.  I don't want to live my life in my home and office, I want to explore the surface of the earth and the cultures that occupy it.  I want to stick my toes in foreign sand, and hike distant cliffs.  I want to swim in all the oceans and eat the unique foods in various lands.  I want to meet new people and learn new languages. I want to document these experiences and share them with my family.  I want see how the rest of the world lives and I want to challenge my comforts and experience change.  I want to do this with my partner by my side and our kids in tow.  I want a well traveled family with stories and adventures! So this year, I'm planning one trip a month.  Some are small, an overnight trip to the Grand Canyon.  Some a bigger, two weeks to visit my sister and friends in Switzerland.  But each month, {thanks to the generosity of our family at Christmas time and to a new job,} we'll go somewhere new.  We'll experience something exciting together, and I promise to tell you all about it.

As a Mother, I want to teach my daughters new skills.  Part of the reason I want to travel with them is so they can see more of what this world has to offer.  I want to read them more stories.  I want to play more games with them.  I want to stop yelling.  I want to stop getting frustrated.  I want to focus on patience, or at least acceptance. I want them to tell me when they need help and I want to support them. I want them to be happy and I want to show them how I've found happiness.

As a Wife, I want to be more gracious, more thankful, more appreciative.  I want to communicate better and plan more effectively.  I want to set aside time just for us, to do whatever we want, and thanks to my family and friends we have that opportunity to go on dates, or getaways.  We both work really hard so we can live fully in our free time and I want to continue literally building our life together. I want to help around the house more. Mostly, I want to create a healthy functioning space for our family.

Another thing I want to focus on this year is Healing, and being healthy. both emotionally, {which I'll talk about later,} and physically.  In addition to moving my body, working out at the gym, going for hikes, doing yoga or whatever else works with my schedule, I want to focus on eating healthy again, moving away from the processed food and focusing on leafy greens and no sugar.  In that same line of thought, I'd also like to focus on the healing power of plants.  Right now I integrate essential oils into our daily life and I like to think they offer immune support, but there's also so much I don't know.  How safe are certain oils? How well researched are their impact on kids and pets?  I want to educate myself on that more, and also integrate tinctures, teas and handmade salves into my routine.  I want to pick the plants myself, use what the desert has to offer.  Speak with the plants, give them a few extra drops of water in thanks.  Listen in nature as I appreciate its beauty and all it has to offer.

Also in line with the healing goals, I want to focus on Educating myself.  Reading more science based studies about natural healing, not just old wives tales, but actual science supporting nature.  My aunt has a tag line that 'nature knows things science doesn't.'  And I fully believe that there are things we don't know about our own natural world, but to pretend like science hasn't observed or analyzed any of it is absurd {not that she or anyone else I know says or necessarily believes that}.  But it is why I want to focus on the science based aspects of it.  What has been observed?  What has been analyzed?  What case studies can I learn from?  What resources can I look to when sharing my knowledge of what works for my family and why?  I also want to read more in general, fiction, historical, maybe even some native and spiritual books.  What have people believed for thousands of years?  How were native cultures able to live off the land without destroying their land base?  How can I reduce my impact while living in a consumer culture?  How can I find balance between the way we live now and how humanity has survived for the past hundred thousand years?

Another goal for my 2016 list is Creating.  I already paint. I'm a decent photographer {always learning}.  I enjoy ceramics but haven't had access to a kiln for a few years.  I sew and silk screen.  I already create quite a bit, but I like to add new skills to my experiences.  So this year, I want to continue doing those things that I already do and integrate maybe some weaving, and henna work.  My friend Diane gifted me a small tube of pre-made henna paste from Mehndika Joey Henna after my birthday and now all I want to do is draw all over my body. Since it's temporary, I can just keep doing it over and over again.  I observed a weaving workshop a few weeks ago and am really inspired to start using more fibers in my art, I already work with mixed media but would be interested to see how I could integrate sewing, painting and weaving into a more modern outlet.  Something I'm currently really inspired by is the revival of old arts and crafts and how artist are integrating and modernizing them to make them new and current.  More bold colors for weaving or more trendy phrases for cross stitching and just in general anything handmade being marketed to the current culture interests me.  I hope my current process is interesting and expanding with the needs of myself and my patrons and that I can continue creating throughout the year.

Last but not least, I'd like to spend more of my time Calming down.  This is in regards to, of course, everyday life, and I know that might sound contradictory with all the things listed above that I want to add or include, but maybe it's just a matter of making my time more purposeful.  I'd like to incorporate Rest time into my schedule like actually set an alarm and pencil it in.  REST.  Reminders to take breaks, you know? Be present.  And in addition to the calm time, I want to focus on calming my body, my energy, my nerves.  I've had a lot of stress these past few months, sure a lot of it was my own doing, and I thought a lot would go away after bigger issues were resolved but ultimately that anxiety, stress, they're sort of always present with me.  Even when there's nothing to be stressed or anxious about, I still find myself feeling overwhelmed or I'll notice my heart beating faster, it's being aware of my body and knowing something is bothering me, even if I don't know what it is exactly.  I'm hoping with attention to rest and relaxation, my goals of calming with help resolve this underlying health issue and allow me to be more present as a wife, mother, artist and adventurer.

What about you? What are your goals for 2016?  What do you want from your life?  I'd love to read about it in the comments or shoot me an email to share your goals on the blog in 2016.  Happy almost new year!

"This is why nobody likes you" and other truths.

This post is a brutally honest, transparent, emotionally exhausting post.  Want to keep reading?  Good because I'm going to keep writing.

Recently, someone pointed out one of my flaws, they said, "This is why nobody likes talking to you." and obviously I'm blogging about it, which means it hurt. a lot.  But this isn't about them, and it's actually not even about that sentence specifically it's so much bigger than that, it about being honest with myself.

SO, if I'm being honest...
I'm vulnerable.
I'm breakable.
I'm stressed.
I'm giving.
I'm unprepared.
I've overcommitted.
I'm creative.
I'm messy.
I'm blunt.

and most shocking of all; I'm a real fucking person.

This means, I have insecurities, and I want to make people like me.  If I didn't value that person's opinion it probably wouldn't have even hurt.  But I do value what my friends think of me.  I love community, but I hate everyone.  I find lots of things annoying.  I know people do things that piss me off, but then they turn around and do something awesome.  It's a balance.  If they sucked all the time, I wouldn't even bother being annoyed with them I'd just cut them out of my life.  But, I accept that everyone is a hot mess and we have no idea what we're doing. I think this is especially true of moms {and probably dads, and people without kids, and kids, and teenagers, and grandparents} anyway...

It took a LOOOOONG time for me to stop judging other moms {and dads}, I'm detail oriented, and I notice little things, I notice when your baby drinks from a bottle and I wonder why? I don't judge anymore .I REALLY don't!  I have that in check, you have your ways I have mine, that works for your family, but I did things differently.  Maybe there is breast milk in there maybe there isn't.  Is it any of my business? NO.  not for a second, but do I wonder, sometimes.  This is a metaphor for everything in my life, I can't control when I wonder or do things differently, it's human nature. BUT! I can put a solid, stop-right-fucking-there, thought to it and not judge.  I REALLY can.

But sometimes, when I talk, I don't have a filter, I say something I think and it hurts people, I don't even notice it.  I don't even see them flinch.  I don't even remember I said it.  But then someone says, "This is why nobody likes talking to you" and I hear, "this is why nobody likes you" or more accurately, "EVERYONE HATES YOU" and I want to cry.  Do I? NO, that shows weakness and I am not weak.  I'm strong and empowered and unbreakable.  Or at least I tell myself I am.  Then behind closed doors my eyes welt up and I resent everything I do.  None of that creativity matter.  None of that support matters.  None of that attempt at pleasing the people around me matters.  I allow it to wash over me, and I think nothing I do has value. I reflect on specific conversations and judge myself {which actually might be worse than judging others}.

AND THEN...

...Then, I move on, I try again.  I let it go, I vent {to the point other friends are sick of hearing about it} I forgive that person, I forgive myself and I TRY AGAIN.

But most of all, I remember my personal brand of BITCH {because it's easier to pretend I'm mean, and hurtful, and "bitchy" than admit I'm weak and words hurt} but you know what?  In the words of Tina Fey, "Bitches get shit done."

So if you're feeling hurt, angry, judged {even by yourself - because that matters more than what other people thing of you} just know I feel that way too, because remember? I'm a real fucking person.  And so are you.

5 Reasons I'll Never be a Famous Blogger {and I'm okay with that)

You know, I love having a space to document all my important thoughts and ideas, and share special memories.  This place is as public as those special memories will ever get and I enjoy sharing it with all of you.  But, let's be real.  I'm not going to become famous from blogging.  I know a few really prominent bloggers and they're really good at what they do.  I dabble with a variety of posts and have some really great contributions to the internets.  I share family vacations and D.I.Y. projects and sometimes even a what we wore post or two.  My best contributions are Bitches Food Club and I'm proud of Natural Living posts as well.  But all of those combined and I'll still never be a famous blogger.  Here's why...

1. I love sleep too much.  I mean I LOOOOVE it.  Ask my Husband how I treat him with or without a good night's rest.  When it comes down to it, I could stay up until 2 am or 3 or even 4am blogging and editing while my kids are sleeping and I could write some really great shit.  But to be honest I'd rather be sleeping.  So, some nights I stay up until 11 and at the latest 12 but a girl's got to get her beauty rest, and I don't want to miss a minute of mine.

2. I don't sacrifice kid time for screen time. I have to be a mom first and foremost.  I have to engage with my kids and play games and read books, even when I have a hundred great photos to sort or 37 awesome ideas I want to share. So sometimes I write them down, or make a list of what to post next, but for the most part I play with my kids and blogging comes last.

3. I plan too much.  I try to do more than I can in the time that I have.  This is more a real life problem then a blog problem, but I'm so busy doing more things in the real world that I can barely keep up with, this blog is sacrificed.  Sometimes, I don't blog for a week or two, then I sit down and write 3 or 4 posts in one night. That kind of inconsistency is something awful for blogs.  Even though I'm doing some really cool things in my life, I fall behind here, and accidentally leave out cool events or projects because I was so busy actually doing them, I didn't have time to document or blog about them.  And yet here I am, already planning another big trip, home renovation projects, homeschooling/non-schooling play dates and attempting to launch another small business project: my photography.  So if you don't hear from me, at least you know why.

4. I'm socially awkward.  I follow a lot of people on twitter and facebook, and I read their blogs, some of them are local and a few national.  Whenever I see local events I make an effort to go, but if I ever see someone I know from their blog, social media or local business I freeze.  I know the normal thing to do is, approach said person, introduce myself which would look something like this; "Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself, my name is Jennifer and I'm a local blogger and mom of two, I love your ___________ and just wanted to say hi" but instead it goes something like this, "hi, I... ugh local, blog, like you, yours, my name is Jennifer, I, hi, just wanted to say hi, bye." so there's that. I kill any conversation with small talk because I already know lots about people I'm just meeting and not in a creepy way, but a way the internet is creepy and floods me with anyone or anything I google.  If I already know lots about you, I'll start rambling on about myself and then over share {Oh yeah, I had a home birth, want to see me naked?}, give a strong opinion, or complain, and then realize I'm complaining or being opinionated and in an effort to not be negative or rude, stop talking altogether.  I'm also so scared of one upping someone in their story, I shut down and say nothing so I don't compete with them.  Please tell me I'm not the only one who sucks at meeting people I already know online. Please. which leads me to my next point...

5.  Please tell me I'm doing a good job, because if you don't, I'll think I suck. I NEED positive reinforcement. I literally think people hate me if they don't "like" everything I post or share. I take things way too personally and am to opinionated to realize I often hurt other peoples' feelings this exact same way.  If I don't have people "officially" following this blog I feel like I must be doing something wrong.  If I don't have enough comments, or any on my posts I feel like they must have sucked.  I know that's really shitty and whiney but that's how I'm designed.  I do best in classroom settings or group classes but only when the teacher tells me I'm doing good.  I have to be better than everyone else, and I need someone to tell me I'm doing good, otherwise I feel like a failure. I know this about myself and I see the stats for this blog and I know people are reading it, but I still feel like I'll never be popular for what I blog about and I'm okay with that.  This is my space for my stories and my thoughts and my pictures and if people like it, that makes me happy, and if they don't? Well... I guess that's why I'll never be a famous blogger AND that's okay with me.

and p.s. thanks for making it all the way through my ramblings!  Do you blog?  Do you ever feel like your so busy marketing yourself you don't actually get a chance to be yourself?  Tell me about it, I'd love to follow along with other bloggers, add to those comments!

10 Things I learned During Pregnancy

This is what I've learned so far, at 34 weeks. I was reading a similar post at Sometime Sweet and she suggested making a list of 10 things you learned during your 20s, 30s, or 40s. Her list was about 10 thing she learned in her 20s. However, I'm not done with my 20s and my teens weren't super exciting (The only thing I learned in my teens was; Everyone and everything you know and love will change). So I thought about what else has forced me to learn a lot, all at once, and the answer? Pregnancy.

So, here goes;

1. You will get attention from strangers, they will ask you personal information, they will probably touch you, and they will expect honest answers and a smile.
In the past 8 months I've had strangers ask me more personal questions than a job interview, and about half of them touched my tummy in the process. Here is the usual
Q & A:
Question: When are you due?
Answer: March
I like to keep it vague, my due date is in the middle of the month but I could go early or late, so how about instead of due date {which very few women actually birth on} maybe we should start giving expectant mamas due months!

(this is where the fun starts)
Question: Do you know what you're having?!
Thought: A BABY!
Answer: Nope, we want to be surprised.
Response: Oh, I just couldn't wait to find out, you guys are crazy!

From my last pregnancy...
Q: Is this your first?
Thought: yes, but why is that ALWAYS assumed?
A: Yep! :)
{now, I say no, but since I have Sonja with me, it's assumed less frequently}

Usually followed by:
Q: Are you Married?
T: That's absolutely none of your business, would it matter if I wasn't? and, also can't you see the bright pink stone on my wedding finger?!
A: Yep, for over 4 whole years now...

Q: So have you decided on a Hospital?
T: ugh, here we go again...
A: Nope, we're doing a home birth.

usually followed by
Q: Is that Safe?!
or my favorite so far; Q: They do those?!
A: Yes, they STILL do those, and it's safe for me :)

These questions aren't too bad, but in the moment I feel like I'm being interviewed, which I guess I am, for the most important job in the world; motherhood. But, seriously strangers, could you have a little class and keep your opinions and hands to yourself?

2. You will (might) feel nauseous All Day Every Day for the first few months, but never actually get sick.
This was the case for me. For an entire 3 months all day, every day, I felt like I needed to puke. But, nothing happened. I was miserable the entire time. I lived off pellegrino and saltine crackers for the first trimester.

3. Your body will do what it wants, when it wants.
You will gain more weight than you want or than what is "normal." Almost everyone I know gained more than the 30 recommended pounds for an average woman, most gained about 40 while others gain 50 and more. As long as you're eating healthy, do not freak out about your weight. My sister is in better shape now after her 2 sons than before. Your body will go back to "normal" it will just take a little effort at first {or little effort thanks to breastfeeding, my calories just slid right off}
Also, you will want to get sick, at the worst times, and you might. I remember suddenly neeeeding to throw up while driving and searching frantically for a bag in my car, not finding one and holding my purse open over my lap just in case. Thankfully, I only ever threw up 2 times with Sonja. Both times were random, though. I went to go to the restroom and found myself vomiting, unexpectedly, instead.

4. You will not like some of your favorite foods.
Mine were:
Coffee -luckily after the 3rd month I was able to enjoy it again.
Eggs -one of my few sources of protein as a vegetarian, and I love them, except every time I ate one I almost ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach, super frustrating, this faded about 5 months into the pregnancy.  This time I don't mind them unless I THINK about the fact that they are eggs, the reproductive fluids of chickens and what not, but I just choose not to think about it.
Salad (leafy greens) -I usually eat salad with every meal, but in the first few months, they made me queasy, now I'm able to eat spinach and such with meals but arugula still bothers me..
This time, I wanted salad everyday for weeks before I knew I was pregnant, so your favorite foods might change from one pregnancy to the next.

5. You will like some of your least favorite foods (see: foods you gag thinking about).
I never eat fast food, ever. With Sonja, I was about 2 and 1/2 months pregnant and running an errand. And, I drove past a McDonald's and thought I really really want a hash brown with ketchup right NOW. I had enough self control to not stop, then, however, I pasted a second one, and couldn't resist (now I know why they're on every corner). I ate it, and it was delicious. And, now, if I think about it, I want to gag. It was so greasy, my pores and arteries hurt just thinking about it.  With this baby my cravings and aversions are practically non-existent which is nice since I like to be in control of what I eat.

6. Your husband will be more supportive than you thought (or maybe I'm just lucky).
In the first trimester, I slept. A lot. Everyday when I'd get home I'd crash. I was always the one to cook dinner, but I just didn't have the energy. My husband's family is Italian and they're all great cooks, he just never had the need to cook. Over the past few months he's cooked some amazing meals and done almost all the house work. I knew I married someone great, I just didn't realize how great until I got knocked up and he started bringing me breakfast (cereal and milk are all I wanted) in bed.  He is financially, physically and emotionally responsible for me when I'm pregnant I'm just so tired all the time.  He does EVERYTHING.  I would have never expected this much before I was pregnant but now that I've been spoiled it's hard to imagine it any other way.

7. You will have to force yourself to have vigorous sex.
Okay, so this isn't totally true. But, you will have to get creative. In the beginning of my first pregnancy I was scared to do anything because I was afraid it would hurt the baby.  This pregnancy I am more comfortable with my body and generally comfortable. But now, I have a bowling ball attached to me, making it rather challenging to get comfortable. Either way, our midwife vows the 3 things you can do to make labor easier are: Walking, Squatting and having lots of "Vigorous" sex. We've been attempting to take her advice.

8. You will cry for stupid reasons, and people will understand {or they won't}
I found myself crying in the grocery store because I was shopping alone in my first pregnancy.  During this pregnancy, I forgot to get my coffee card stamped and found myself with tears in my eyes because I was just having a "bad" day.

9. You will pee your pants.
I did this with Sonja's pregnancy at least 2-3 times, from laughing but was able to stop it before I had a full on accident.  This time, I got a cold and EVERYTIME I coughed I leaked a little, unless I was able to fully brace myself in a seated position.  I know other people who started laughing and just started going and couldn't stop.  BE PREPARED! or at least have a change of pants with you.

10. You will feel like you can't get any bigger, and then... you will.
I just looked at all my pregnancy posts from my first pregnancy and thought I was going to find images of me bigger than I am now, and I am feeling smaller than I thought I was with Sonja at this time, but when I looked at the photos I realized I might actually be slightly bigger at 30 weeks this time around than at 30 with her, and then I saw what I looked like at 35 weeks and realized I am still going to get bigger.  and then bigger.  I've got about 10 weeks left and while I feel big I thought I was going to have just a little gain left, but now I'm realizing how much bigger I'm going to be over the next 8-10 weeks {or 12!} and I'm a little concerned.

I've learned lots more as a mom, which I probably should write down for myself so I can remember all the little things, but for now I'm going to lay down and rest because I've got some Sonja free time, and it's hard work growing a baby.

My next pregnancy update should be done this month and you all can see how big I really am.  Keep an eye out.

-Jenn

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Buying on a Budget

Its almost half way through December.  And for some of you, I might be too late, I know many, many friends are done with Christmas shopping.  DONE.  I'm not.  But, I'm close.

Anyway, I thought I could take a minute to suggest a few items for those of us on budgets.  I have about 20 people to shop for and about $400 to spend.  Now, Husband gets a big gift and Sonja gets a big chunk of that too.  So, there's about $200 left for the general gift fund.  I don't know if you're good at math, but that puts me at about a $10 a person budget.  Since, I'm not working that much (less than 10 hours a week) I can't exactly save much else.  SO, I'm on a budget and a strict one at that.  We're trying to pay off credit cards so we can afford Europe next winter.

What can you find for those you love for under or around $10?  Actually, quite a few things!

Shutterfly Calendars for aunts, uncles and people who like dates. They have specials going all the time, at the time of this post it was buy one get one free, when I bought mine it was buy one get all additional calendars 50% off.  I bought one for Sonja's grandparents, and my aunts and uncles.  First one was $17.99 and the rest about $10, free shipping on orders over $30 {code: SHIP30}

My friend Michelle makes the BEST soap.  And everyone showers, so these are great for everyone.  Funk off has a few manly scents, like Cool Mountain Moss or Husband's favorite: Espresso Yoself! So don't just think girly when it comes to lotions and such, we all need cleanliness! Soaps are $7 each plus shipping brings you to about $10.

And if you're looking for someone who loves baths, I'm quite fond of the Lush Bath Bombs all of which are under $10.  I also LOVE the massage bars from Lush.  I picked up a few of those for a few of my sisters and sisters-in-law. Each around $10 {They're lotion in bar form, when you rub them they melt into heavenly moisturizing scents!} And if you're trying to do all your shopping in one spot they also have soaps for under $10.

Etsy has wonderful prints for the Art lover and quite the selection for $10 range!

Itunes never disappoints.  I found a set of three $15 gift cards for $30 at Target.

Wood Teething Rings on Etsy are perfect for new babies.

Lots of wooden toys for toddlers too.

If you're in the $20 range you can find some great camera accessories here.  Use this link: http://photojojo.com/r/9ry5 and get $5 off.  I bought my sister this coffee mug!

Since I can only afford a limited amount, but am crafty I was able to make some gifts too.  Like, Yoga Mat Bags for all my Yogi gift recipients, a Christmas pillow for my mom, baby blankets, embellished onesies, and a few other goodies from unwanted or unused fabrics.  So, don't be discouraged if you're on a budget! You can still be thoughtful and generous within your means.

And if you're into personalizing and gift wrapping, may I suggest the cutest idea, print a stickygram for each loved one and use that as their gift tag, just tape it to the package.  Above; Sonja wearing her "Nonno" {means "grandpa" in Italian} shirt for my father in law.  You have to order soon though, in order to get your grams before Christmas. Here is a $2 off code for your order: FRIEND3ZDX

My advice for all those last minute gift buyers is to make a list, set an amount and divide by number of people on your list.  Once you know what you can afford, get specific and plan for each person on your list.


Good Luck!
Jenn

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Why We Don't Do Santa Claus!

Every year, I have to explain myself.  So, this year I thought I'd do it here, where everyone can read it.  We don't like Santa.  It's not that he's a bad guy or parents who teach that Santa is real are bad people.  It's just we don't like lying to our daughter.

I want my daughter to know I love her, care for her, and provide for her.  I genuinely want her to be happy, and I want her to know I want her to be happy.  I want her to know that the things we provide for her are because we love her, and we always will make sure she has enough.  

I don't want any glorification to go to an old, fat, white, dude spying on my kids.  Those are the creeps I want her to avoid.  Not glamorize.

It just doesn't feel right to lie to her.  When she's older, and knows that {spoiler alert!} Santa isn't real, she will know that I wasn't always honest with her.  Why would I ruin our healthy relationship?  So, she can pretend that these gifts are from an imaginary character?  She can pretend 100 different, other healthy, things.  Santa just isn't one of them.  

My goal as a parent is honesty.  I don't want to keep things from her.  I don't want her to keep secrets from me.  I want to keep her safe.  I want to be able to talk with her and comit to things like "I never lie to you, so please don't lie to me."

I know many parents think that using Santa Claus is a sweet thing, that it is selfless.  The parent doesn't get "credit" for giving the gifts.  But, I don't think giving gifts is a healthy way to show affection.  And we don't do a lot of gifts for Christmas.  Mostly, that's because we don't really practice Christianity anymore.  But as a Christian, I never thought giving gifts was appropriate to do on Christmas.  I think that it sort of takes away from the whole Jesus thing and makes it a consumerist holiday. Things do not equal love.  Consumerism is destructive so in my opinion, holidays should revolve around love, food and family activities. Not an imaginary character.

Did you know that the white beard and red suit were created by Coca Cola's advertising agency?

Now, we celebrate Christmas by having a big sleepover and huge breakfast and a few gifts 

{for the sake of going with the norm.}.  

Rare Exports is our movie tradition of choice.  Highly recommended for those who like to mix a little Nordic violence and their winter holiday.

My goal is for all future Chirstmases is to be in other places, to travel and to experience the diverse cultures around the world.  Next year, it's Europe and maybe the next Thailand?  But for now, here, I hope my family and friends respect our wishes to keep Chirstmas a gift and Santa free holiday. Not to be confused with a negative or loveless holiday.  We just want to celebrate a beautiful winter day gifted to us by the universe, god, goddess, fate or any other higher power or being you and we believe in.

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Reason 715: Why I Love Martha.

I get Martha Stewart Living as a gift from my membership to the Desert Botanical Gardens and I have to say, I love her.  Really.  She knows what's up.  Like, she makes the best food, has the best parties and still looks too young to be a grandma.

So, when I saw this recent cover I was curious to see if she showed her granddaughter's face at all in her magazine.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out, she does not!

I guess, I struggle with not being able to show Sonja's face on this blog for both practical safety reasons but more for respect for my daughter.  Sometimes, I take the best photos of her, the activity she's doing, the food she's eating, she clothes she's wearing. And I want to put it here with all my other thoughts and ramblings to keep everything in one space, so I don't forget any of it.  Then, I remember.  This isn't her blog.  This isn't her space.  And, who knows how she will feel when she's older and sees all the stories I've shared about her.  Some embarrassing, but most of them sweet.  The point is, it's not my face, and until she can ask to show her face online {which who knows how that will play out with her daddy} she will not be on this or any other of my public blogs or websites and neither will her new baby brother or sister.

And just in case you need any more convincing here's the creepiest stolen photo story I've heard of lately.

Hope you'll follow along anyway.
Jenn

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My Thoughts on Hospital Births

I don't think hospitals are bad.
I think hospital policies are bad.
I don't think O.B.s are bad.
I think O.B.'s policies are bad.
Anything that can not differentiate between the needs of the whole and the needs of an individual, and the risks of the whole and risks of the individual are bad.

The midwifery model of care understands the needs of each of the individual women and the safety of both mother and child.

O.B.s have a lot to learn from midwives; compassion, normalcy of birth, trust of a woman's body.  And Midwives are lucky to have the resources of O.B.s for higher risk pregnancies; more fetal monitoring options, suctions and forceps devices for complicated deliveries, and cesarian sections for moms who NEED them (only, maybe 5% of women truly need them. source.).

I think every woman should be well educated on her birth choices and options, risks and success rates of her birth plan along with a well established support system for immediately following a birth.  My understanding of O.B.s and Hospitals is that, they do not fully inform their patients of risks and success rates of various procedures in the same way a midwife would.  I know my O.B. experience resulted in a total of 20 minutes out of 3 hour appointment with the actual O.B.. Whereas, my midwife appointments are about and hour long with 100% of the time with the midwife discussing concerns, risks and success rates of various topics regarding birth.

I think misconceptions need to be addressed along with fears about women's bodies.

From various conversations I've overheard...
A 10 pound baby is big but healthy and completely do-able by vaginal birth, contrary to one woman's opinion.
Working out does NOT create a larger baby. On the contrary, it strengthens the uterus for a faster recovery and less of a chance of bleeding to death via hemorrhage.  Also, repeat cesarian sections are more dangerous than vaginal births after cesarian.  In regards, to hemorrhage as opposed to uterine rupture, women are less likely to have a uterine rupture than serious hemorrhage with repeat c-sections. (source 1, 2, 3)
Drugs and medications are NOT the only, nor most successful, pain relief options for laboring women. A doula is a professionally trained labor suport person and known to reduce the use of drugs and epidurals for laboring women.  And there are many more positions, procedures {like acupuncture, massage and TENS}, and techniques to elevate pain.
Pain in labor IS purposeful.  It allows the mother to know how far along her body is progressing.  It is a message from the body to the brain that something important is about to happen.  It is beneficial to the mother's mental health to be present in the pain {as opposed to "checked out" via drugs} to bond with the baby, the baby's birth is what stops the pain.
Women will often defend their doctors by saying they {the O.B.} knows what's best.  But what is best isn't being restricted to a limited diet during one of the most energy using experiences of a woman's life.  It's neither safe, nor easy, nor comfortable.  Yes, if someone happens to NEED a caesarian they will need anesthesia and they may vomit.  But, in any other EMEREGENCY surgery the patient is rarely rushed in with an empty stomach.  That is just one of the examples where the policies for the whole, restrict the needs of an individual.

In short, I think each birth is unique and each requires unique circumstances.  Unfortunately, I've yet to see or hear of an Arizona hospital that is truly mama and baby friendly. I think each birth choice is completely the choice of the mother, sorry dads!  I just wish women were consistently informed of true risks and I wish more often than not they would choose the safest choice for themselves and their babies as opposed to what someone tells them is the easiest yet safe enough option.

That is my problem with hospitals; their myth of ease and safety.  What women compromise for safety and ease is actually safety and comfort.

All birth is work, all births are difficult and to pretend otherwise is setting up a mom for defeat.  Wether it's postpartum depression or the difficult recovery of an unnecessary surgery, the effects of a emotionally painful birth are much worse than the pain of childbirth.  No women gets an easy birth unless, maybe, she's worked hard during her pregnancy to ensure one.  So, when I hear women talk about their choices for a hospital or planned c-section; because "it's going to be easier {because of drugs or lack of pushing}" I just want to shake them.  They have no idea what they're in for.  Even if they've experienced the process before, they're still at risk for all the complications of their choices, choices few of them have been fully informed of.

So, to clarify though all my rambling; my problems with hospitals are their myth of ease, myth of informed consent, myth of choice.  If hospitals can take note of these concerns and rewrite policies, I think we'd have a lot more happy mamas.  I also think if you've found a hospital that supports you and your choices, no matter what, you're lucky; and I'd love to know where these places are!  Please, share them in the comments.  I also know mom's who are thankful for the hospitals that helped make their delivery a safe one.  I know I would/will be thankful for a hospital if an emergency transfer is necessary with my next baby.  But I do not plan on starting off at one, for all the reasons listed above and more.  I think for a healthy family, the home is where a birth should be, and hospitals, like for everything else, should be reserved for emergencies and complications only.

Disagree with me? leave a comment.  I'd love to hear other opinions. I know I ramble sometimes, but I just needed to share MY thoughts on hospitals and why I don't want to birth in one.  I hope anyone reading this understands I'm not judging a women who chooses a hospital birth, I just hope she's being treated with respect and care, like every mom-to-be deserves.

-Jenn

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My Thoughts on Pregnancy {communicating with baby}

I've been slacking on my weekly updates about this pregnancy but I am in the process of a 4 week post coming up I promise! Until then, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the whole birth thing again.  Revisit my feelings and affirmations and share some advice for other expecting mamas.

Talk to your baby, literally and mentally.

Just because your baby doesn't speak English, doesn't mean they don't understand what you're saying.  Your thoughts and emotions transcend language.  If you ask your fetus nicely, they will listen.  

For example, when Sonja was in my uterus, I asked her and told her, I'd love for "her" {the sex was unknown} to weigh in at 7 pounds at her birth.  I was so scared of a big baby.  I thought 7 pounds was a nice safe number.  I told her and asked her almost daily, "Remember, come on out when your 7 pounds, please."  She did. On the dot. Two weeks early.  I feel a little bad about that, about asking something selfish, maybe she wasn't quite ready.  Her latch sort of hurt those first two weeks, her cheeks could have developed more if I didn't pressure her and her lungs too.  Also, it was silly of me to ask for a weight limit, I should have been asking for a head size limit if anything.  Her head was 14 1/4 inches (big enough for my midwife to think her assistant measured wrong the first time and do it again).  It was so big that on my one and only push to deliver her, she came out at once.  I was pushing for maybe an hour or two, but the one that had enough force to get her head out also shot out her whole body.  I didn't really tear at least not bad enough for any repairs and everyone was healthy.  But, maybe a bigger baby but a slightly smaller head would be gentler on my yoni.

I know several moms who are hoping for a baby to be born before certain holidays, or to be smaller, or a variety of other requirements.  My advice to those mamas is, Talk to your baby, he or she will listen, and if he or she doesn't, its for a more important reason than you're asking for.  Just my thoughts...

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Car Seats Belong in Cars.

And other reasons you shouldn't use a car seat as a baby carrier...

 

Not Safe.

Safer.

Safest.

The first thing that comes to mind is this open letter to the woman in the Safeway parking lot... by Kristin Auger.  AND this most recent story of a 3 month old baby boy who died from falling. The heartbreaking story of thanking a woman who helped her, when her son fell in his carseat out of the grocery cart.  I can not imagine the pain or fear that a woman would experience in that instance, nor do I want to.  Thankfully, I never had to.  I NEVER took my daughter's car seat out of the car to carry her into a store, doctor's office or family gathering {or to be more specific, anywhere}.  I simply used my arms or moby wrap.

After searching the web for statistics of injuries occurring in car seats out side of the car, I found a few really important articles.

The first one was by By Katrina Woznicki and was reviewed by Louise Chang, MD.  The article explained that "...a total of 43,562 car seat-related injuries resulted in trips to the emergency room between 2003 and 2007.  Those were based on infants 1 year and younger. Shital N. Parikh, MD, an orthopaedic surgeon at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, led a study analyzing data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission’s National Electronic Surveillance System database. The researchers found that based on a sample of nearly 1,900 infants: 85% of injuries were related to falls. Of these, 64.8% fell out of a car seat; 14.6% of injuries were caused by a car seat falling from an elevated surface; and 5.6% occurred from other types of falls. Head and neck injuries were the most common type of injury; 84.3% of infants suffered a head or neck injury, 62.4% of which occurred in infants younger than 4 months old. 54.4% of injuries occurred in baby boys. 8.4% of infants had to be admitted to the hospital for their injuries. Three deaths occurred. Researchers also reported that the most common surfaces from which infants fell out of car seats included shopping carts (8.1%), tabletops (6.3%), and counter tops (3.8%). The study is published in the July 5 2010 issue of Pediatrics..."

The most frustrating thing about the injuries in these studies is that they were ALL preventable.  Car seats are simply not designed for use outside of the car.  Some are designed to connect to strollers, but after recieving such a stroller as a gift, I promptly returned it because the seat never felt as secure as my arms or wrap.

When attending our childbirth education classes before our daughter's birth we discussed with a C.M. {certified midwife} risks of car seats outside of the car.  She mentioned that there is an increased risk of SIDS when children are left to sleep in their car seat.  I confirmed this information in the an article; Infant Car Seats May Increase Risk of SIDS By Peggy Peck (Published: July 19, 2007) and Reviewed by Robert Jasmer, MD; Associate Clinical Professor of Medicine, University of California, San Francisco.  "A review of 508 deaths of infants younger than one year found that 17 deaths occurred when infants were in "sitting devices" and 10 of those deaths were unexplained, according to Aurore Côté, M.D., of McGill University Health Center, and colleagues, in a study published online by Archives of Disease in Childhood."

We chose, before our daughter was born, to not use the car seat for anything other than a seat in the car to prevent injury during auto accidents.  It wasn't worth the risk, the tiniest of preventable deaths are still risks and it doesn't matter if it's one in a million if your child is the one.

Other obvious reason is the car seats are heavier than the baby, it's the baby plus the car seat, more work for a new mom or dad which hardly makes sense to me.  I think Lilah Zane says it best in her article "Car Seats Belong in Cars: The Unintended Health Consequences of Infant Travel Systems" on yahoo. "There are several compelling reasons to not use car seats as a baby carrier. The most basic one is that they are cumbersome and extremely heavy."  She also discusses the risks of "flat head syndrome"  which is interesting because people were always commenting on my daughters beautiful bald round head.  They'd joke about how their babies always had a flat bald spot on the back of their heads.  I always politely thanked them but wondered, why didn't they notice what was causing that bald spot?  Usually this is from laying on a flat surface or resting against something for an extended period of time, like a car seat or crib.

I know many parents might argue it to be more convenient to carry a baby inside or to the car in their seat or even when it's 100* here, no one wants to put their baby back into a 100*+ car seat.  For my daughter's safety we use a towel to cover her seat when going anywhere during the summer, my car is always hot but her seat is only warm to the touch. 

I know that hip development is also critical in early months of development, and I found this illustrated article by Jennifer Lance most informative with both car seat dos and don'ts and wraps too, this way you can make sure when you are using your car seat in the car, your child is safely secure without risk of abnormal bone development.  I actually met one foster mother who had a baby girl who spent the first six months of her life in a car seat and at eight months, when she was removed from her seat, she was physically unable to straighten her legs.  It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen.  I wonder what life long hip damage was the result of such neglect.  Other developmental risks can be caused by toxic chemicals in the plastics and fabrics of car seats.  While I accept them as a necessary evil for the overall safety of my child while in the car, I have no desire to extend her exposure to such chemicals.  "Last year MSN Health reported that many chemicals, including “lead, flame retardants, and toxic plastics,” are present in child restraint devices and can “interfere with their developing lungs, brains, and reproductive systems.” This overlooked car seat risk was exposed by a study carried out by the Ecology Center, a nonprofit consumer environmental organization. According to their study results, 60 percent of the child seats tested contained at least one of the unsafe chemicals tested for, with flame retardant chemicals being the most common. The study authors were careful to point out that this should not deter parents from using car seats. However, they did make several recommendations to reduce the risk of infant chemical absorption. These recommendations include the following safety measures: Don’t let infants nap in car seats and prolong chemical exposure; Vacuum vehicles frequently to remove dangerous chemical dust; and Keep car seats out of direct UV rays and heat, both of which help break down chemicals faster and allow them to enter the body." 

I think this is the most source driven post I've ever written.  I really think it's important to know what people are exposing their children to and how to keep them safe.  I highly recommend using car seats ONLY in the car in order to prevent injury during auto accidents.  The developmental benefits for my daughter included walking at 8 months {she was never restricted in movement} and healthy brain and hip development.  I know we're all trying to choose what's best for our children and I hope with the information shared here, more parents will stop choosing convenience over safety.  

-Jenn

**Please note this post is not intended to judge mom's who choose to use car seats as carrier devices, nor is it intended to scare them, or make them feel inferior.  It is to inform parents of their carrying choices when it comes to their children.  In my opinion there is no right or wrong to parenting, there is simply safe and less safe.  The choices each family makes for themselves and their children is up to them.**

     

Sources:

Katrina Woznicki: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/news/20100706/many-car-seat-injuries-occur-outside-car
Peggy Peck http://www.medpagetoday.com/Pediatrics/GeneralPediatrics/6199
Lilah Zane http://voices.yahoo.com/car-seats-belong-cars-unintended-health-consequences-257262.html
Jennifer Lance http://ecochildsplay.com/2012/01/31/slings-car-seats-baby-wearing-and-the-risk-of-hip-dysplasia/
Toxic risks: http://www.newsomelaw.com/blog/2012/02/17/not-so-obvious-car-seat-dangers-put-children-risk
Pediatrics study: http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2010/07/05/peds.2010-0333.full.pdf
other resources:
http://www.helium.com/items/1387764-car-seat-baby-development-safety-of-car-seat-danger-of-car-seat-newborn-journey-thick-coats
http://healthyliving.msn.com/pregnancy-parenting/kids-health/how-dangerous-is-your-childs-car-seat-1
10 common mistakes regarding car seats: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/car-seat-safety/MY00824