I keep a chart on an app. and am usually consistent, so I was on alert. Two days later I gave in and bought a pregnancy test. The whole drive to the store I was telling myself I wasn't pregnant and this was a waste of money, but then I was shaking. I didn't want to take it that night because I knew the most accurate reading was the first pee of the morning packed full of hormones. I took it early the next morning and got a positive.
I laughed and then sat on the floor and cried.
This was the last thing I expected right now in my life. And I just couldn't imagine starting over again, being pregnant again, morning sickness again, gaining weight again, giving birth again, recovering again, breast feeding again. I texted my midwife and asked her what my options were. I opted for herbs to try and flush my uterus. There was still a chance for failure and I felt like that was the best compromise I could make. I couldn't bring myself to definitively make a choice. This felt like I was giving my body and baby options, if it was a strong pregnancy I knew the herbs wouldn't work. I sat on my bed with "cleansing" crystals on my womb and palo santo and just sort of meditated there for a minute. Thinking about what I wanted and listening.
But, after about two days I didn't feel right about it. I could feel this human's energy, so strong. It's the energy that had been creeping into my dreams for the past three years, dreaming of baby boys and being pregnant again, even though I knew I was emotionally done having babies. I felt like, I guess it was only fair to give this human a chance since he had been trying so hard to become part of our family. And I think maybe I had time to process it. So, I stopped the herbs Saturday night.
I felt terrible Monday. Like morning sickness showed up early and I was dying. Or wishing I was dead. I just cried wishing I wasn't pregnant, that I was sorry, that I just couldn't do it again. That week I had to go out of town on a work trip and I felt so tired and dizzy from the heat I couldn't even enjoy the resort pool. While there, I had a dream I had a miscarriage early Friday morning, and then, when I woke up; I felt different. Empty.
Out of touch with the energy that was there just the night before.
On the drive to work, I talked with my friend in the car about how I felt and my concerns, maybe something was wrong, maybe ectopic pregnancy or empty sac but something had changed. I started spotting brown blood at work. Very light. Nothing too concerning but I knew something has shifted. I continued spotting lightly the next day but a little more pink and red. I tried to use some of my disappointment to create something in honor of this farewell and I did a henna design leaving an open paisley on my middle finger for the empty space in my body.
And then that night, I had another dream I had a miscarriage but this time in my dream I was later like maybe 12-13 weeks? Whichever week the baby is the size of a palm. I passed the baby and saw his face. Beautiful and peaceful. When I woke up I felt a release of more blood and went to the bathroom to lose even more. I had mixed feelings but felt a sense of relief.
The whole thing was so forced and unplanned I had just barely processed that I was going to have to redo this whole mom thing and then I was convinced I was in the process of losing the baby. The baby, I reminded myself, I didn't even want in the first place. I texted one of my midwives and asked if it was okay to go to yoga. She said that was fine. I felt a little better there. Less cramping while moving my body.
When I got home I continued bleeding and started to be fearful of the process. Specifically blood clots and not knowing if or when I might need to go the hospital. So, I texted my other midwife and she told me she had a different dream. A dream where the baby was healthy. So my emotions shifted again. But then, that evening I passed a quarter size bloody crescent shaped clot. Which reminded me of the mucus plug I passed with Sonja's birth. I just keep going back and forth. Like as soon as I would process a possible outcome it shifted to another.
I hate waiting and I'm sure there is a lesson in patience in here somewhere but it was a new process for me and I had no idea what to expect, so that was a little scary. I felt alone in my body. My husband was as supportive as he knows how. He loves me, but ultimately I don't think he knew how to support me through this. It's not his body and there isn't really anything that needs to be done. I know it's unreasonable to expect his to be psychic but a little emotional enthusiasm would make me feel a little less crazy. Like when I'm sad be sad or when I was relieved be happy for me. Moments like that I felt like everything was on me and my body, it was overwhelming.
When I started spotting, at first, I was so scared of what to expect and what I would see but I'm glad I saw it - by chance I felt it pass and looked. I felt a sense of completeness when that happened. Like that was it, it's done. (Even though I knew it was gone Friday morning when I woke from my dream). I told my midwife Monday morning what happened and she said that sounded like that was it. She reminded me a strong healthy resilient pregnancy wouldn't have been affected by the effort I made with the herbs. Even my mother comforted me in not knowing for sure what caused it and to not dwell on my actions. Even now, looking at that test above I can see the line is fainter than maybe it should have been, maybe this was already in motion. I just thought it was still early. And, I still have to take another test in 2 weeks just to be sure all the hormones go back to normal, the bleeding has slowed down and I feel better; so much more energy. I could do blood work or ultrasound to be sure, but I know my body and this feels complete.
"His" short little connection taught me so many things about myself. Trust my intuition. I am powerful. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. It's okay to let go. It's okay to say goodbye. I had been fighting this energy for so long. Maybe this was the most I could allow. To become physical if only for a short time. And to be loved and to teach me so many things about myself I always knew but forgot. To remind me to love the humans I have already. To be grateful for my family. It reminded me of what I really want in life. To not feel guilty for my dreams and plans. To finally set into motion my husband getting the vasectomy he said he would years ago. To bring a sense of closure to our family in a sense, to seal it up. We are complete and we wouldn't have been without 'him' and this experience. I also wanted to mention how grateful I am for this process which allowed a deeper connection to three women in my life who shared some really personal lessons with me from their own life experiences. I needed their knowledge and friendship more than anything during this process and those bonds wouldn't have been made without this situation.
And it's worth noting the significance of this passing took place on 7/23/17 a day of odd numbers and high importance to me.
A new moon.
A fresh start.