Friday, July 25, 2014

"This is why nobody likes you" and other truths.

This post is a brutally honest, transparent, emotionally exhausting post.  Want to keep reading?  Good because I'm going to keep writing.

Recently, someone pointed out one of my flaws, they said, "This is why nobody likes talking to you." and obviously I'm blogging about it, which means it hurt. a lot.  But this isn't about them, and it's actually not even about that sentence specifically it's so much bigger than that, it about being honest with myself.

SO, if I'm being honest...
I'm vulnerable.
I'm breakable.
I'm stressed.
I'm giving.
I'm unprepared.
I've overcommitted.
I'm creative.
I'm messy.
I'm blunt.

and most shocking of all; I'm a real fucking person.

This means, I have insecurities, and I want to make people like me.  If I didn't value that person's opinion it probably wouldn't have even hurt.  But I do value what my friends think of me.  I love community, but I hate everyone.  I find lots of things annoying.  I know people do things that piss me off, but then they turn around and do something awesome.  It's a balance.  If they sucked all the time, I wouldn't even bother being annoyed with them I'd just cut them out of my life.  But, I accept that everyone is a hot mess and we have no idea what we're doing. I think this is especially true of moms {and probably dads, and people without kids, and kids, and teenagers, and grandparents} anyway...

It took a LOOOOONG time for me to stop judging other moms {and dads}, I'm detail oriented, and I notice little things, I notice when your baby drinks from a bottle and I wonder why? I don't judge anymore .I REALLY don't!  I have that in check, you have your ways I have mine, that works for your family, but I did things differently.  Maybe there is breast milk in there maybe there isn't.  Is it any of my business? NO.  not for a second, but do I wonder, sometimes.  This is a metaphor for everything in my life, I can't control when I wonder or do things differently, it's human nature. BUT! I can put a solid, stop-right-fucking-there, thought to it and not judge.  I REALLY can.

But sometimes, when I talk, I don't have a filter, I say something I think and it hurts people, I don't even notice it.  I don't even see them flinch.  I don't even remember I said it.  But then someone says, "This is why nobody likes talking to you" and I hear, "this is why nobody likes you" or more accurately, "EVERYONE HATES YOU" and I want to cry.  Do I? NO, that shows weakness and I am not weak.  I'm strong and empowered and unbreakable.  Or at least I tell myself I am.  Then behind closed doors my eyes welt up and I resent everything I do.  None of that creativity matter.  None of that support matters.  None of that attempt at pleasing the people around me matters.  I allow it to wash over me, and I think nothing I do has value. I reflect on specific conversations and judge myself {which actually might be worse than judging others}.


...Then, I move on, I try again.  I let it go, I vent {to the point other friends are sick of hearing about it} I forgive that person, I forgive myself and I TRY AGAIN.

But most of all, I remember my personal brand of BITCH {because it's easier to pretend I'm mean, and hurtful, and "bitchy" than admit I'm weak and words hurt} but you know what?  In the words of Tina Fey, "Bitches get shit done."

So if you're feeling hurt, angry, judged {even by yourself - because that matters more than what other people thing of you} just know I feel that way too, because remember? I'm a real fucking person.  And so are you.

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